This song started making me realize that I'm in my own way of being happy, and finding what makes me happy. I think that so many of us do that, we are our own worst critics. Often we become obsessed with regret and things we can't leave in the past. Often we are so comfortable where we are that we think that it's just going to go downhill from there. I think we also are so scared of taking risks, or of change, that we choose to not progress.
So today I'm just going to list everything I'm keeping in my way, which many are really personal, but I don't think anyone follows this blog anyway so here goes at least maybe helping me get out of my own way. But hopefully helping you!
1. I have an intense fear of failure. I feel that if I back out early I don't have to worry about failing, and I can dwell on thought that if I had continued I would have been awesome. I did this with not being on drill team my senior year, when I was on it my sophomore and junior year. Because I knew so many sophomores were so much better than me. Another Is in committing to a major, I have started over four majors without committing, because I don't know that in the end I won't suck at it and will have a hard time getting a job. I didn't commit to doing forensics because I was so scared of failing my math classes and loosing my scholarship. With Performing Arts I was so scared of taking so much time and energy into school, and not being able to go anywhere in the business after school, so many people do not have success having a career in that industry. With Visual Communications i'm worried that my view of beauty and art won't translate right to others.
2. I fear not being prepared for what I need to be in the future. I spend so much time trying to guess ahead and be over prepared, putting a guard around myself to keep me from getting hurt, being the least risky as possible, which does keep me safe. But it keeps me from really experiencing what is beautiful about life sometimes.
3. I often half do things, or leave them til last minute because then I have an excuse of why it wasn't as perfect as what I wanted it to be in my head. In my head people think wow this is amazing for last minute. That makes me happy. I'm so scared of putting my all into something and having it not reach the expectations I want it too. I guess the answer might be lowering my expectations but I refuse to do that because I want to imagine that for once I can create something up to the level of my imagination and intelligence. That for once I was able to do right by me, and what I think is worthy of my talents. So far I haven't accomplished anything to my full potential, and I'm scared to. It's similar to TANGLED where Rapunzel is so close to accomplishing her dream that she is scared that it won't be everything she hoped it would be. Luckily for her it was more, and she was able to find a new and better dream. I'm still working on that.
4. I compare myself to others way too much. Maybe it's a girl thing but it's not healthy. There is this one girl I know that to me is absolutely perfect, she's graceful, her wedding was like perfect to every detail, she's skinny, has a great job, great taste, cooks fabulously is talented. I'm so jealous of her. To me I think how does she accomplish all of that! I don't understand at all. Does she wake up at five am to do her hair, and have every part of her day planned perfectly. I don't know but she accomplishes it with a breeze. It drives me crazy because I feel that she's the kind person I want to be, but no matter what I do I'm never going to be as good or graceful or beautiful or talented as she is. That bothers me, makes me feel that life's not fair, and I'm never going to reach where I want to be. Like I said it's unhealthy and totally is me getting in my own way.
5. I regret so much. I have an obsession with trying to fix things, especially me or problems around me, and when I can't I breakdown. Then those moments become part of the past, as I learn in life I realize what I could have done better to fix it, then I spend so much time going back and picturing fixing it, trying to make it right and better. Then I get angry with myself for not just doing everything right in the first place and I get depressed and have even greater anxiety about having everything right in the future. I really need to just learn to let things go and move forward, but it's so hard for me. Especially right now where I have no Idea where I need to go for the future, in a way its like I have nothing to look forward to, and I am so worried about setting goals I can achieve to make something of which to look forward to without screwing it up.
So much of what's in my way comes down to my depression, anxiety and fear of failure and letting people around me down. Fortunately I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband that helps me wake up everyday and helps me to see the bright side of life. He is such a positive, loving person, who has amazing vision and dreams and wants me to achieve mine. I just have to figure out what that is.
In order to do that.....
I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY
are you?
With LOVE, Bekah
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